| Chapter 16; fear and loathing in Las Vegas.
2006-2007 was a critical turning point in my life; I say mine, but really in everyone’s life. Time changes those who refuse to change. Sometimes it seems like life has all the teachings in store for you, if you just have patience to wait for them. One of my favorite quotes is, “There are those that do things and those that talk about those that do things.” While I am at it, “Great minds talk of ideas; lesser minds of events, still lesser are those that talk about people.” So many quotes and words of wisdom. I have learned to take these pieces of gold and store them in the pot that resides in my heart. Full of infinite wealth and abundance, I know I can always find something in there to give me strength, hope, and peace. So there I was, all wired for a survival trip, the experience of a life time, with all my close friends, getting ready to embark on a fragmented discourse in pragmatism, purpose, and existence. I found one major piece for my puzzle, or so I thought. I had been searching for something out there, some piece I could find, but I realized all the pieces are right here. Put together in a seemingly random event we call life, but there is order in the chaos. Rather then finding meaning I implored that I create my meaning. Rather then the idea that your life purpose is found, I realized that you create your life purpose. This seemed to me, an incredible facet in the co-creation of your belief systems and thoughts, but leaves a lot to wonder. If I am the sole proprietor of my thoughts then I can manifest my own identity given the nature of creation. However, there are so many variables and factors that come into that role; it seems like too easy of a way out. Is this just wishful thinking on a grand scale of delusion? Also putting that into practice is a whole other matter. I guess one notion with the writing of this is the scrutiny of my peers to give me feedback as to the inconsistencies, and incongruence I have developed over my life. As to where I try to stand and monitor my actions and life subjectively, the third party always has feedback. As I am duly a part of their own bio-feedback rhythms and pulsations in their minds and hearts. I dissolve into a sea of know-thing-ness being born again in the warm embryonic waters of my mothers’ womb, the universe, but actually just swimming in my friend pool. After my fears dissipated and my loathing subsided, here I was ready to regain full control of my life in the cosmic year of nine. 2007 Year in Review January was a great time to rediscover my motives and find out who I was. #1 month. I knew I should get back into art, and that sponsored a serious inquiry into my art making and inquiry into existence through other mediums then words. (Being) It was at this time however, that I started writing various books and got serious into the elaboration of my ideas and research, which Is what I am continuing as Youme speaks. February was the month of love. The 2. (I am two. Imu.) There was no doubt in my mind that I did not need any external factor for love. The whole month was a celebration of life and joy beyond anything I could have imagined. I cried nightly in aspiration over what had confounded me. This started my inquiry in gratitude, and into giving. I was so full of abundance; I found out the more that I could give, the more I got in return. My life was a cascade of pure joy and creation, nothing was going to stop me, or so I thought. March came like a storm that brought with it the eventual growth of my research into being. That which I cannot speak of, but only reveal to myself for understanding. And that which to this day I continue to research for what strange purposes are yet unbeknown to me. As life pervaded into my cacophony of self indulgence, I learned another lesson, that of spirit. It seems easy enough to move with life and flow with what is, while pursuing that gluttony of pleasure, of self worship. But then I was hit with devotional service to that which is above and beyond me. Bhakti, or service to others, is one of the greatest forms to liberation and personal power and to achieve heightened states of awareness. All you are ever doing is treating your 'self' as your 'self'. That is why it is to treat yourself as thy neighbor and do unto others as you would have them do onto you. There was the blow that humiliated and humbled me in one glance. Now I know that I can do nothing but through the spirit which gives me life, and with that I bow my head and offer to do the best I can, to work through the mistakes, and one day, gain the peace of mind, that what I am doing is for and always aligned with the greatest good for all. Another place, Another time There is the revealing of time passed in between, in terms of cycles and leaps into the utter dismay and renewal of my soul. So, April 2005, disowned everything, moved out to Lost Almost, and regained another false sense of self. September 2005, left to Europe. 2005-2006 San Francisco, with nothing but an appetite for destruction. April 2006 moved out of my father’s house, again. 2006-2007 Las Vegas, appetite for renewal of the soul. April of 2007 moved out of Albuquerque, again.. I tend to see patterns emerging but that’s just me being crazy and trying to hard to read into everything. Sa La Vi. This time to spend three months in relative seclusion in the Jemez Mountains. And then out to Burning Man 2007 'The Green Man’ for my second year. It gives me chills just to say that. I left hoping to find some answers from some people as usual, given that I was hungry for knowledge and I found the right/wrong people. I left with what I thought would be a 'normal' experience and then to come back to New Mexico to gather my things and move to Berkeley, CA for the winter, and continue the Jemez cycle again. >Oh no, that is when things went terribly crazy. *Chapter blank; another Story - the the Green Man, BM O7 for myself and others. |
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